


皆既月食 – moon eclipse

by Niwoomin



Category: B.A.P
Genre: Christmas Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Songfic, a tiny bit of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-28 03:47:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17175266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niwoomin/pseuds/Niwoomin
Summary: "The first few days went really smooth – or almost. It was normal for him to be absent, his duties or his missions were always occupying him, so the others were worried, but with time, they had learnt that not hearing from him for a week or so was fine."– Yongguk is absent from the group for a while. No one knows where he is, or what he does. Youngjae misses him the most.





	皆既月食 – moon eclipse

**Author's Note:**

  * For [funkylilwriter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/funkylilwriter/gifts).



It had been a month. One month, exactly, day by day, from the 24th to another 24th. The first few days went really smooth – or almost. It was normal for him to be absent, his duties or his missions were always occupying him, so the others were worried, but with time, they had learnt that not hearing from him for a week or so was fine. Mostly, he would come back after five or six days, apologising, acting silently and being quiet. Mostly, he would smile a lot after he came back, and he would just brush it off. Everyone knew what explained his absence, and almost how things went for him, but the amount of knowledge they had regarding his situation would always be considered superficial.

 

_Dudes, that’s just not it_

_Is music a joke?_ _It’s not for us_

 

The first week went okay. No particular special calls, but they had a stage planned in two weeks, it was confirmed, which was a good news regarding the group's situation. When he'd come back, they'd explain the news to him in a few minutes – or a few hours if they had _really_ good drinks. The first times, they had partied too, because he was finally there, and he wouldn't leave them. Each member was important, but he was also a pillar of their friendship. Without him, it wasn't the same, but the difference would always be felt even more than whenever another member was on a solo schedule. Hopefully, he'd compose, sing, rap, dance, he'd basically do anything and everything linked to music when he went to the studio or in the dance room. And then, everything went okay.

 

_Because you’re like that, I’m like this –_

_If you weren’t like that, would I be like this?_

_Just stop and quit it –_

_Just go away over there_

 

But Youngjae never got to drink a little bit. He wasn't a fan of that, anyways, but whenever Yongguk would come back after a while, his warm smile, telling that everything went fine, that was priceless. Not only Yongguk's smile, but his whole being made the younger one smitten and red whenever he waved at him. His soft lips, Youngjae had dreamt kissing them, his hands, Youngjae had dreamt of holding them, his body sometimes – Youngjae had dreamt of hugging him. Youngjae, in summary, had dreamt a lot of Yongguk, and no one in the agency knew. Not a single person.

 

_Goodness, their attitudes are really not cool_

_Oh my, hyungnims, look at them –_

_That’s just really not it_

 

Lately, though, Youngjae missed Yongguk a lot. It didn't mean much at first – just a crush that would pass by, fine, it happens, why not, let's not ruin the friendship still. But over the months, the crush hadn't faded, but grown and bloomed as the flower containing all of his feelings. It seemed stupid, but one day, Yongguk came back with mud almost everywhere, dirt and grass, but they had laughed seeing that a simple flower had been stuck onto his jacket. Youngjae had kept it, but only a few petals, as the flower wouldn't survive neither his dorm neither the heat from the dance room. So, that “flower” - rather some “pathetic little shit” like Yongguk, jokingly or not, nicknamed it. Yongguk had maybe grown a bit more aggressive. But even the best of foundations, concealers, or any makeup product could've hidden well the fists' marks and the scars on his cheeks. Nor the dark circles, nor the bruises. Yongguk didn't treat anyone badly, though. He was somehow more distant but it felt like his friendship was felt more – little attentions, nothing unusual.

The only dissonance in this symphony of feelings wasn't because of the conductor not really knowing what the music sounded like, but rather because of the violin being off the tempo.

 

_Isn’t ignoring and badmouthing_

_Bad guys what a real man does?_

_Rapping like this –_

_Isn’t that the good stuff?_

 

Life went on. Two weeks had went by since the last time they saw Yongguk. It's a bit worrying, but he once came back and two weeks and a day. He said he took vacations and was at its parents, and his excuse surprisingly worked for the rest of the group. Himchan was rather focused on catching every solo schedule he could find, Daehyun was focused on flirting a bit around when they weren't practicing for a new comeback – but how can they practice when Bang Yongguk, face of the group and the best leader the boys had, wasn't there? Why did he ignore every call, text message, voice message, and when he came back, why would he keep silent on his bruises, on his bleedings, on his too-puffy cheeks? What exactly did he do, that he didn't notice his members worrying for him, or Youngjae tearing up a bit each time his leader looked even more hurt than the last time?

He'd find comfort in singing – and Yongguk in rapping, probably. No one had heard what his raps said, or what his lyrics sounded like, because the studio door would be always shut and the first time he did this, when the members had fallen asleep waiting for him to get out, he had prepared them hot chocolate. Out of all the drinks, hot chocolate. But when he'd come out of the recording booth, he seemed calmer, still distant, but sometimes smiling.

 

_I will break apart the paradigm_

_Trapped in a border – we so fly_

_I won’t follow you like a fool_

 

So Youngjae had kept silent for a while. But he couldn't stand it and he once directly confronted Yongguk – the practice room had never been so silent than without him, the musics sounded fade without him, and the younger one also wanted to say that without him, his heart felt alone, but he was almost crying and his courage maybe stopped there. In any case, Yongguk hadn't replied, but his cold stare didn't encourage his member to talk to him and he left without saying anything else. Maybe, at this point, that Youngjae screamed that he loved someone. Yongguk's heart fell apart a bit. _Who do you love, Youngjae?_

 

_Don’t compare yourself,_

_Who is like a parrot, to me_

 

Yongguk didn't like lying or hiding things from his members. But even though he hadn't gone far, he feared that he only hadn't gone far _yet_ , and when Himchan once went up to him to tell him about everyone worrying, the rapper shrugged it off in appearances, but in his heart – he knew that he had to, that he would stop worrying his group.

Three weeks had went by. And he still wasn't there. He was where he had to be, where he couldn't escape, it wasn't for his pleasure that he was doing all this; but if anyone knew he'd be doomed and he wouldn't be able to look at anyone. Not even at himself. He thought about Youngjae, sometimes. And Himchan. And Daehyun. And Jongup. And Jun Hong. About what we worked for so much in his life. But that thought only made him sadder. He had so much missed calls that he didn't even bother knowing if there was two or three digits telling him his members were worried. They didn't have to worry, he wasn't proud of himself.

 

_Yo, want me to kick your butt?_

_Let me work out_

_All you fakes, go away_

_We are worldwide_

 

Three weeks went by slowly. 124 missed calls. _Wow, only that?_ But it had been three weeks. And B.A.P was more than worried. It was almost as if the group could exist without him. He missed his raps, his lyrics, his members, Youngj--

Yeah. He was right. He missed Youngjae so much. His laugh, mostly. His whole being. He had seen the group do so much but most of the time, the younger one would cling around a bit more to him without it being awkward. Maybe Himchan took a bit the role of leader when he was gone, and it was fine with everyone. Maybe Jongup had told him he hated sleeping alone, and maybe as to try to be less awkward, he had changed rooms and slept next to him. Now, when the leader would come back, Jongup would already be asleep. And no tending or caring would help, now.

Three weeks, and B.AP.'s comeback was right at the end of december. Not a strategical choice, but the choice of the agency. And the group had trained a lot lately, but they couldn't just pretend to ignore Yongguk – the question was whether to include him in the choreography or to say he got injured and let him do his business. The agency said they cared, but they didn't much more, their managers were available but didn't search for him much. Youngjae had begun to hate more and more the absence of his older member, and the one he had grown to love, more and more.

 

_No, no, no, no mercy!_

_Yeah, we are the B.A.P_

_Baby wussup! We are here_

_We won’t let you go so easily from now on_

 

A month now. Christmas Eve, the 24th, but also a few days before their official comeback. Yongguk was nowhere, Youngjae was more than worried. It was the first time he didn't come back after so much time. And whatever should have made Youngjae happy didn't work – and the natural stress the group had in these kind of times seemed to intensify more than they wished. At the end of each dance practice, Youngjae would rush to his phone, texting or calling his friend. No answer, none at all. On Christmas Eve, they had done a Vlive, which seemed more like a duty than anything. Fans, of course, asked about the leader, the name of B.A.P, the ever so famous one, and the group hesitantly replied with what the agency had told them to do, “he's been injured a few days ago but he's fine”. If they knew this had been a correct answer, they surely wouldn't have said it.

They couldn't go back to their family, they would maybe for New Year's, but even that was difficult considering they _had_ to train. It was a bit of venting their feelings, through dances, raps, lyrics, always doing their maximum to sweat and spend more time on each move they did. That night, they went to sleep without much joy and Christmas spirit. The gifts they had planned for each other were always relevant of their good friendship and mutual bonds, but it looked like they all knew they'd spend Christmas without him, but without him, was it really a Christmas? They always were excited for that day, but today wasn't it, apparently.

Himchan had hugged greatly each member, before wishing them a good night, and everyone went to sleep. Lately, Himchan was alone in his room, because of the absence of the leader, and it had been the first night in a while that they had done this, so they had decided to all sleep in the same room. Comfort, when they all sought for the same person. They didn't talk much, though, and since the room was the biggest, they had enough space for themselves – Jongup clinged a bit to Youngjae still.

Goodnight.

 

_No, no, no, no mercy!_

_Yeah, we are the B.A.P_

_You got it know?_

_There’s no mercy_

_If you’re ready to feel us,_

_Put your hands up_

_Scream louder,_

_Get your hands up_

 

It had been a whole month, and it was maybe two or three in the morning when Youngjae opened his eyes vividly. Someone was in the dorm. With hopes, high hopes, and a bit of apprehension, he stood up calmly and got out of the room. He heard some noise in the bathroom, who was it, why, was it their manager, but look at the time, that can't be them, so who? Youngjae walked slowly until he saw what he saw. He maybe screamed a bit, as worry changed his expression, as Yongguk looked up. 

The youngest one stared in disbelief at the leader. Leader who? Youngjae felt so many emotions, anger, satisfaction, sadness, relief, contempt, but all vanished when he realised what Yongguk's state, who was washing his face before. Blood on his cheeks, on his lips, from his nose, his forehead, and bruises, a lot, and dirt and dark circles and black eyes and puffy cheeks and overall a disastrous state. His leather jacket was covered in dust, and traces of blood, his legs were shaking, sure, Youngjae had seen him coming back in bad states, but not like that. Youngjae, of course, was furious. Against the people who hit Yongguk, against Yongguk, against the world because it was the world's fault, he was sure of it. He quickly grabbed the oldest by his shirt, bringing him closer to him, yelling as much as he could.

_What the fuck happened, where the fuck were you_ , and other curses which would be considered normal considering the anger he had. Maybe his tears started to flow, only to be interrupted by more screaming, yelling from Yongguk himself. As both started to raise their voice even more, being covered by or covering the other, Yongguk caught Youngjae by the arm and dragged him outside, going down the stairs and pressed him against a wall outside.

 

_Only those who know really know they look to us_

_We are the main_

_They follow us, they know us well –_

_Music is a fun game_

_The level of our style is different,_

_We makin' classic_

_I’ll let you fully feel it –_

_Now these are the words you all will be afraid of:_

_We’ll be back_

 

Yongguk had to explain it. That he had been caught up in a fight, and people threatened him to do “bad things” – which Youngjae questioned him about. Robberies, fights, almost leaving people dead, but never killing or harming without excuses. As if “excuses” was still an acceptable term to forgive the harm he'd done, the fears depicted on the people's faces, and all the trouble he had gotten into. Threatens included revealing it to everyone, to harm his members, the agency, spread rumors. At this point, it was more than screaming, maybe they'd wake the whole dorm up, but Youngjae understood. Youngjae didn't care, now. He was alright, and he was forced to. To him, that was enough. Crying, he tried to pull Yongguk in an embrace – only to be rejected violently.

“ _I'm not_ who you thought I was”, he yelled at the top of his lungs.

Shame took its turn and installed itself in Yongguk's heart. Having to look at the man he loved without directly looking in his eyes, lowering his head and being frustrated with himself. He had decided all of this would be over, he had quit everything, everything was over. He yet had to apologise to his members, to catch up with everything, their comeback or not, what ever happened. That would require so much work, he didn't think he would do it, he would fail--

“I still love _you_ ”, answered Youngjae.

Yongguk did look at Youngjae straight in his eyes. He didn't seem like lying. But his words echoed deep into the rapper's mind, why does he _still_ love him, did he love him before, was he talking about him the last time, all these questions made him worry and he couldn't believe what he was hearing. What he had just heard, what meant these words to him, to Youngjae, and the surprise made his mind go blank. Until Youngjae continued, saying he couldn't stand him being hurt, whatever happened, he was home now, he'd get to present his apologies and although his actions weren't examples, it wasn't his fault.

Yongguk muttered words, a single and simple _I love you too, so much_ , and he left and came upstairs back in their dorm. Youngjae, overwhelmed, smiled and cried for a bit, thinking it was a dream, that the leader wasn't back home, that he didn't love him, but he could feel his ears turn red and his cheeks getting hot. He went up too, and found Yongguk in a different room. The rapper quickly asked to not say anything to the members, regarding him. Youngjae, though disappointed, agreed. He made sure they both weren't wrong in their feelings, hugging him tight and sobbing a bit before letting go. He needed to sleep after what happened, he couldn't think about anything reasonable, and came back into the room with everyone else. And without a kiss, he fell in the arms of Morpheus.

 

_The music is ringing and spreading_

_The cheers are exploding loudly_

 

Youngjae woke up to Christmas music. It had been a couple of hours since Yongguk came back, and if not for the leader throwing the younger one against the wall that night, he'd say he had dreamt the whole thing. Everyone else was still in the room – Himchan was drooling a bit, and Youngjae didn't miss the occasion to take a picture. The young singer wandered in their common room, only to see Yongguk putting a last present on the floor.

A Christmas tree, soft music, a happy Yongguk, still bruised and hurt but radiant. Deep down, he felt terrible, but for this day, he would keep a smiley face. Trouble would come later, once he gave everyone their little presents he bought right before. Jun Hong came out of the room a few seconds later, blinking when he saw his leader dressed and preparing for Christmas like nothing happened. He blabbered syllables no one understood, and ran back into the bedroom to scream that Yongguk was there. 

Jong Up and Himchan looked like they had heard that they won the lotto as they appeared, in pajamas as everyone else expect their leader, and ran into Yongguk's arms, tearing up and almost squishing him. Daehyun got out a few seconds after, squinting, before calmly walking to the hugging quatuor – Jun Hong had joined them – and doing the same, hitting a bit Yongguk on his shoulder, hiding his face in his top.

Youngjae finally joined too, and after a while, Yongguk cleared his throat and the members asked him about where he was, getting angry, crying, but thirty minutes into debating, and almost rioting and quitting, Yongguk explained his situation fully to the group. He understood their anger, he was more than ashamed, he didn't feel like looking up at anyone. He did say that he wouldn't forgive himself before a great amount of time, but he asked everyone to be happy for the holidays.

Youngjae smiled softly remembering how giving Yongguk was, when his crush asked him to hold his hand. Youngjae had acted a bit awkward but he accepted, while the other members opened their presents. Yongguk leaned in slowly, and Youngjae closed his eyes. A first kiss, maybe the first to plentiful of them – that's what they both wished for. The rapper asked if the Christmas surprise was enough and if it meant good apologies in Youngjae's eyes.

 

_The music is ringing and spreading_

_The cheers are exploding loudly_

They gazed at each other fondly.

“See, I'm not who you thought I was.”

“Yeah, but I still love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> aaaaand thank you for reading this!! i hope i didn't make yongguk look too bad jgkgjfgfjd this had to end fluffy so it's a bit too much but i wanted this to be cool too so,,  
> gifted to one of the most amazing people i know!!
> 
> thank you for reading and if you have things to say you can leave a comment or dm me on twitter: @/niminkim!


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